I saw Prince Caspian, the second movie in the Chronicles of Narnia series, yesterday, and I have to say it was wonderful. Prince Caspian is one of the ones in the Narnia series that I'm sure I tried to read as a child, but that was slow to the action in the beginning which ultimately shut me off to the book (just a guess). Having seen the movie now, I definitely want to go back and read it to see what Lewis intended. Seeing the movie has also renewed my faith, and has turned it into a newfound priority for me.

Now, before I saw the movie, while I was at work, I read a review of the movie given by Alonso Duralde of MSNBC. Here's the link for those of you who want some context for what I'm about to say:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24600327/

Now, if you're like me and have some idea as to the way C.S. Lewis sets about writing his books, you'll find this review to be utterly appalling and disgusting. If you're not like me, and have never touched a C.S. Lewis book in your life, I'll explain why: even within the subtitle to his headline, he is trying to treat C.S. Lewis books as if you can separate the Christian metaphors from the books. C.S. Lewis, amazingly enough, was a devout atheist, and spent part of his life pursuing the goal of disproving Christianity. As time went on, Lewis found it harder and harder to support the ideas that he felt "disproved" Christianity, and he eventually had to accept defeat by accepting Christianity (if you have problems with this idea I can explain why it is actually a good thing, as opposed to a bad thing). Lewis, with his newfound faith, felt/thought that the new faith he found was worth sharing to the point where he made sharing it his goal. Part of the way he did this is through his Chronicles of Narnia series. In my mind, the series does such a wonderful job depicting the dynamics that play out in the Christian faith, dynamics found in all stages of life. Now, glowing remarks aside, what I want to know from Mr. Duralde is why he thinks he can separate the spirituality embedded in Lewis's writing from his writing. I know that for the majority of the article, Duralde is merely trying to be objective in his movie review, but that would require of him to not care whether or not his readers were Christian. I also fully realize that not everyone reading his article is Christian, and that there are some who would want to side-step the Christian implications for their own selfish reasons. I specifically say that Duralde is trying to separate the Christian from the writer because of the last thing he says:

"Just be prepared to ignore some of its not-so-subtle implications if your interest in author C.S. Lewis stems from his writing and not from his spirituality."

This last bit is utter poppycock, and reveals Duralde's true intentions in his writing. With author C.S. Lewis, you CANNOT separate the spirituality from the writing because the writing IS spirituality. It is Lewis's way of reaching to an audience and presenting something he thought was worth presenting. It'd be no different if Duralde tried to to separate the Buddha from John Cage's music (and if you know me or John Cage, that is saying something). The one thing Duralde seems to have said correctly is in his headline (minus the subtext): "Return to 'Narnia' a Trip Worth Taking." Though in the future, if Mr. Duralde is interested in reviewing children's adventure books-turn-movies, I'd advise him to stick with "The Golden Compass" since that seems to be where his loyalties lie.

So, yea......

It's been awhile...I don't think I've posted in here for almost a year...

but there's a relatively good reason for it. This past year, I've mostly been occupied with classes, performing, friends, boyfriend, in short, life. And as I move toward my final year in my undergraduate years in college, this is how things stand.

I want to make a career out of performing on the bassoon. I'd like to be able to travel around the world doing so, but I can settle for just the US. I'd like to incorporate music theory into what I do as a musician, but I want to make performing my priority (and perhaps even find a mix between the two). That said, in looking at grad schools, in order to put myself at the greatest advantage, I want to find five grad schools that would suit me well in my endeavors. Thus, my top choice is Yale because of its prestige and because it isn't IU. IU is my second choice because of its prestige and because it's where I attended my undergrad career (obviously). After this, though, my grand list breaks down, because I can't think of anywhere else I want to go. Julliard is too stuffy, UK I've been told doesn't put me at that great of an advantage, and I honestly don't know of any other schools. So, I should probably get to researching before I have to take the GRE, which I still need to sign up for.

I'm still with my boyfriend Matt, and we're doing as well, if not better than we ever have before. I want to find a way for the two of us to live together, but until I graduate, there's nothing to be done except wait.

So, that's all I can think of for now. If anyone has any specific questions about what I've been up to don't hesitate to ask them. Additionally, I'll be at AC again this year, so we can play the catch-up game there. Anyway, ciao for now! =3*

So, here's a quick update from me. Summer classes have started, and this summer, I'll be taking a couple of classes (Differential Equations and Music Theory V), ensembles, and private lessons. I'm also working 12 regular hours for work, but I hope to increase that number so that I can make money for other things that I want (i.e. money for IML, a Wii, etc.). So, at the moment, I have work and classes to contend with, and in addition, I have several little projects that I'll be working on as well.

First week (minus a day) of classes went well, and i'm really looking forward to learning the material. We had our first quiz on Friday, and I knew how to do most of the problems (2 out of 3). Now i just need to go back and commit how I do the problems to memory and I'll be fine.

This past weekend was a trip and a half, so to explain the craziness/awesomeness of it all, I need to explain a couple of thigns first:

Originally, what I had planned for the weekend was to go with VJ to Camp Buckwoods, an all male colony where nudity is encouraged (but not enforced), because VJ have been wanting to go with me for some time now. Well, I also wanted Matt to go with (not that I wouldn't go with just the two of them), but when I asked if he could go, he mentioned another camping type thing that he was going to with the KYFurs, which he invited me to. Well, I work things out to go with Matt this weekend, and go with VJ (and Matt) another weekend. So the next thing was to arrange how exactly all of this was going to be accomplished. I wanted to see Matt for the weekend, so I thought maybe he could come up to Bloomington, spend the night, and then the two of us could go down to Louisville (where the meet was being held), spend the night there, and then go back up to Bloomington in time for work. Well, Matt spaced out a little bit and forgot that he had something to do on Friday night, so he couldn't come up to Bloomington Friday night. As it turns out, meeting him at the thing he had Friday night (a graduation) would work for getting me to Kentucky. I would drive down to Frankfort, meet up with Matt, attend the graduation, go back to Lexington and spend the night there, then in the morning go back to Frankfort and pick up my car and then make our way to Louisville, and from Louisville make my way back up to Bloomington for work. Sounds complicated doesn't it? It gets better....

On the other side, VJ worked something out with the guys that they were going with to Buckwoods. I'm not sure about all of the details, but from what I heard, the original plan was for L (ask if you want to know his name) to come up to Bloomington and have lunch with James (Victor had another lunch to go to), and then pick up Victor and go to Nashville to meet up with C (again, you'll have to ask for his name) and then the four of them would make it to Buckwoods. But something came up, and neither of them could make it up to Bloomington to pick up VJ and take them to Buckwoods, which left them with no way to get to Nashville to get to Buckwoods (neither VJ has a car or can drive). So, who's going that way that can give them a ride, drop them off in Nashville, and be on his merry way to Frankfort, KY? You know, it's times like these that make me think that these situations are more than coincidences.

Anyway, so I take VJ to Nashville drop them off and make my way to Frankfort to meet with Matt at his friend's graduation. I have to say, this graduation (for college) was nearly the spitting image of my high school graduation. I couldn't help but choke back my laughter as Miss Kentucky (poor lady) got up in front of the crowd and sang Somewhere over the rainbow, somehow magically missing every single note. After the graduation, we make it over to his house (his name's Dustin, a.k.a. Stylix) and play us some Wii (after having a little bit to drink =3*). Next morning, Dragoon and I do some shopping and make it over to the campground (after picking up my car in Frankfort) and set up camp. I got to meet several furs that I hadn't met before: of course there was Dragoon and me, there was also Treewolf (sorry, that's the only name I remember him by), Arctic Dragoness, Deagal, Jay(?), Dark, Zenny, Vincent(?), and one other guy, whose name escapes me at the moment (a little help with the names, please?). Anyway, it was a lot of fun hanging out with them and getting to know them. So, after the meet, the next day, i had to trek back to Indiana to make it to work on time. So, I left about 10:15 ish after Matt gave me directions. Well, I followed them as best as I could, but it obviously wasn't good enough, because after awhile I determined that I was going due south, when I wanted to go north (that's about when I started seeing signs for Paducah). So I tried to find the next spot where I could turn onto I-65. I do, and then I see a sign that says: Louisville 42 miles...........oops. So I high-tail it back to Bloomington and make it to work on time.

So, I had an opportunity to talk with my mother about the conversation we had on Friday, and I told her about how I was hurt and upset by how she worded what she wanted to say, which what she :wanted: to say was to caution me about wearing the tail, not so much in terms of she fears for my life, but more she wants me to be open to everyone that might want to get to know me, and that something like a tail can be what holds back someone from getting to know you in the same way long hair in the '70s could hold people back from getting to know those people. This concept may be a little difficult to understand, but that's okay. Just because you don't understand something doesn't mean it isn't so. I also expressed to her my fears that she would be ashamed/embarrassed by me wearing the tail in public, which was one of the big sources of the hurt that I felt, and she reassured me that she would always be proud of me and show it, and I also reassured that I wasn't asking her to understand why I wore the tail. So we've chatted and made amends, and things are better in the land of Allen and his mother.

P.S. It was never her intention of hurting me or my feelings when we had the conversation.

P.P.S. It was never my intention to hurt anyone when I wrote my previous entry, and i apologize to anyone whom I might have hurt.

Ok, so obviously I haven't updated in awhile, and I've been nagged left and right to update and, well, here I finally have something to update about. So as most of you know, I'm a fur. My animal is the wolf, not a tigerwolf, not wolf-cat wolf-mouse, wolf-tarantula, just a plain wolf. I have a tail that I wear that I think looks very much like a wolf (*note: not everyone shares this view, as some people think it looks like a dead animal), and I like to wear it. A ::lot:: . So, I wear it, like 24/7. I kow it'll wear out faster that way, but since it is so new, and since I enjoy wearing it so much, for the time being i'm not going to worry about it. Oh! and did I mention that I like wearing it...... a LOT? Anyway, so I've worn to school, all day, but not to a very select few things. Things such as my private bassoon lesson, my master class, any ad hoc recitals i have to play for, but other than that, I wear it all day. So, my friends have seen it, my little brother have seen it, my father has seen it as well as my dear, sweet mother. So, obviously, people have had stuff to say about it: my little brother has said, and I quote, "tail." My father has said ' I like the tail. It's very lupine." My friends have said everything from "You look good in that tail" to (in the whiniest voice you can imagine) "Why??!?" Well, I tell you why: I like wearing the tail. Not only do I feel a side of me that people wouldn't know about brought to the surface, but it's fun to feel the gentle beating against your legs as you walk places. My mother's response is a little bit less forward. We've had a couple talks about my wearing a tail, and what her reaction boils down to (though she didn't say this exactly) is that she's ashamed of seeing me in public wearing a tail. As I said, she didn't say this exactly, but in our conversations she's said things that definitely imply that that is her reaction: she's said "I know I can't exactly imagine what college life is like nowadays, but if I saw someone way back when wearing a tail, I'd be talking about them not with them.' and she's also said "I have two reactions to you wearing a tail. When you wear a tail in private I think 'Awwww (the cooing kind). He wants to be like a wolf. I feel kinda sorry for him.' And when you wear it in public I think 'Oh no (proceeds to hide her eyes).'" Now, before we had this conversation, she told me explicitly, "what I'm about to say can be taken the wrong way, so please don't do that." And what i have to say in response to what she's said is "How else can you mean what you've said?" So, as you can imagine, I'm a little hurt, and extremely pissed off right now, and I almost don't want to wear my tail anymore. But, before I go off and scream at random people to vent my anger, let me ask those of you who decided to read my post, is there anything about wearing a tail that bothers you? Do you, or would you want to associate with/get to know random people you've never met before who wear tails? By the sounds of it, my mother is not the only one who has objections to people wearing tails, and so can someone PLEASE tell me what is so BAD about wearing a tail? I really want to know! The way I see it, if you let something as small as a tail get in the way of getting to know someone new, then you never wanted to get to know them in the fisrt place!!! In which case, the fault in the tail does lie with me but with you!!! If you have a problem with someone wearing a tail THEN YOU CAN FUCKING DEAL WITH IT!!! There!!! I've updated my livejournal, I HOPE YOUR HAPPY BECAUSE I'M SURE AS FUCK NOT!!!

Normally, my conditional response to this question would be, "Oh, I'm fine, how are you?" Except, how accurate is this? Right now, at this very moment, do I only feel fine? The simple answer is no, I don't feel JUST fine. Here's the long answer:

This semster, at IU, I'm taking 18 credit hours worth of classes. Most of them are music, but I do have two Japanese classes (J202 and J421, Japanese Linguistics). Within the past several weeks, I've had trouble keeping up with my school (in terms of homework, attendance, attention span/staying awake in class, etc.). And finally, the past two weeks have shown me what my boundary is, and I'm lucky to be alive because of it.

Without going into much detail, the gist of the week of 2/18/07 was that it suxored like ass, having to deal with shit ranging from multple midterms, to a paper that I started the night before, to forgetting to call my ex on her birthday. This built up stress as I have never felt it before, and then I had to deal with last week. It started with Sunday. I saw Alan in concert, which was fun (excellent music), and hung out with VJ and friends, practiced bassoon, worked. It was actually a lot more stressful than it sounds, and while it may seem as if I practiced a lot, I hardly practice at all compared to what a good practice session should be. Then I had to deal with Monday (always stressful, and always full). Then came Tuesday, in which I had a lot of unfinished homework I had to do in a span of a couple of short 10 minute bursts, and I ended up skipping my Linguistics class because of it (we had this take-home quiz that was next to impossible). Tuesdays aren't as full as some other days but it was by no means a walk in the park. So, whatever. Wednesday comes and goes, and it's also one of my full days and even more stress. Well, as I'm sure you can imagine, at this point, though I may not be aware of it, or even feel it so much, I'm about to crack. And then Thursday happened......

At this point, I digress to plot out my schedule for that day;
Thurs. 9-10 Bassoon lesson
10-12 Class
12-13 break for lunch
13-14.25 class
14.5-18 ensembles
18-?? sectional
20-?? VJ time

On Thursday, I woke up at 9:45. I could leave that sentence alone, and some of you would instantly understand why Thursday was one of the worst days of my life. And when I say that today (Saturday) is the full moon, even more of you would understand why exactly the last couple of weeks progressed the way they did, and why Thursday was the peak of my suffering (don't mean to sound emo here, but it's true). Anyway, back to Thursday:

So, I woke up at 9:45, and for those of you who haven't yet put 2 and 2 together, I slept through my bassoon lesson. As most of you are non-music majors, you may not fully understand how serious this is. I only have a lesson once a week (though due to scheduling, I had to have two that week), and this is a private lesson. if you miss, you can't bullshit the teacher in terms of attendance, because it's just you and him/her. Sure you can make up excuses, but try doing that to one of the most well-known and well-respected professors of his field in the world. This was what off-set my day enough to make it one of the shittiest (coupled with something else, which I'm gonna get to in a sec). So, I make in time for Japanese class, which turns out to be a waste of time, which I use to finish my take-home quiz (it almost gets done, but not quite). Then I hike it over to the music school for music theory, which turns out to be one of my only happy moments of the day (we studied Berlioz Symphonie Fantastique, which fills me with happy every time I hear it). Then I go to the music library to finish that pesky take-home quiz. Then, dripping with bullshit, I take it over to my linguistics class and I'm about to turn it in, when the teacher tells me that I get the weekend to finish it. That pissed me off more than anything to think that I worked so hard (though I had to bullshit a lot) to make sure that I turned it in on time, and all of that was for nothing. So, whatever, I grab a seat and struggle to stay awake at all during the class because I don't get enough sleep at night. And without lunch I plow through the next 5 hours of rehearsal. At this point, because I've been left with my own thoughts for the entire day in the days prior to the full moon, I decide to get to VJ's place early so that maybe I could see about getting a massage and relax. Originally I was going to get food elsewhere, but at that point I just needed to have some human connection, I guess, so I hightailed it to VJ's. Well, as the evening progressed, it got harder and harder to hold back what would inevitably happen (I hate crying, hence the holding back). It was in the moment that I was explaining my situation to them that it happened. I told them that Thursday was horrible, and that next month would probably be even worse; that if I had to suffer through a month of what I went through on Thursday, that I wouldn't make it because I would've killed myself on the first day.
To which Victor replied "Like hell you would've. I would've put you in a room with candy, and all sorts of other fun stuff to take your mind off the world (I can't remember the exact wording)." And it was this statement that opened the floodgates. To think that amidst all of the shit I've dealt with, all of the assholes that eat away at me, that even though I had done stuff that made me wanna kill myself, that I still had people like Victor and James, Alan, and most especially Matt who were there for me, who supported me, and who loved me in spite of who I am and what I had done. People outside of my family who made me feel worth something, that could get me through this stressful time.

Even though there was a lot of shit going down, there is also another aspect that contributed to this: the full moon. What some of you may not realize (or maybe you do if you've hung out with me enough) is that the moon has a very real effect on me. Around the time of the full moon, the days leading up to the actual full moon (it looks full for three days) I get depressed, and start looking at the world with spite and with anger and rage, not finding any meaning whatsoever to continue to live this life. On the :real: full moon, I get even more energetic than I already am, and more outgoing than I usually am, then it dies down over the next few days. Because the full moon coincided with this week, it made the shit I had to deal with much much worse.

Finally, the event that you've all been waiting to hear from me about, The Connection. So, The connection was something that I've been looking forward to all week. It's a gay bar, with lots of amenities that people over the age of 21 would have access to. I was able to have access to the dance floor and to the theater (though only because we got there so late, I'm told). And last night there was a drag show, which was my first. Anyway, so, we got there after an hour ride in the evening (after I had been driving for an hour), and I was already drained from the week, but was beginning to be energized from the moon (which was BEAUTIFUL~~~~~ kind of reminds me of Matt, though not comparable, cause Matt's so much more beautiful), so I went in with this odd mix of energy levels. Well, they carded, and Victor had to sponsor me, which was kind of a disappointment, but I'm glad I got to at least go it and participate ever so slightly. And we got there, and it was emptier than usual (or so I was told), which also disappointed me slightly. Then, there was the drag show. Which was a lot of fun, though I think maybe not the best first show for me to go to. I really enjoyed the first performer (VJ you'll have to help out with the name) and Asia. The disappointing bits for me were 1. there was only one non-trans drag that performed last night (I'll explain later why this was disappointing to me) and 2. there was too much Simone, the MC for the show. I still had fun, though. And it was VJ who helped ,e loosen up for the night when they forced me to tip Asia (she was the one I wanted to tip anyway).

Let me digress right now and explain why I'm not too taken with the trans drag queens. If you're still having trouble putting 2 and 2 together with this post, then I should explain that there was only one drag queen that was non-trans, and there was only one drag queen that I tipped. I know that the premise of a drag show is to be over-the-top. I can understand why some guys may want to get a sex change, though I don't agree with it in any sense. To me, being trans AND a drag queen is in a sense a cop-out to me. I find it much more appealing, and much more impressive for a normal guy (straight or otherwise) to be transformed to look like a woman than for a man transformed into a woman to look be transformed to look like a woman. Plus, there was this one trans-drag queen who had boobs that looked unnaturally big, I found it slightly disgusting (personal taste). So that's my thing with trans vs. non-trans drag-queens. Now, for the end of the night and the conclusion of this post:

After I tipped Asia, and finished watching her performance, me and VJ went and danced a bit, and James did more poi (which was awesome). Then we went home (to Columbus) and crashed. Because I had work today, I had to be up kinda early so that I could get to work on time (whch I did), so I dragged myself outta bed, said my goodbyes, and went on my way. As I was making my way back towards Bloomington, I thought about all that had happened: the past couple of weeks, the past couple of days, the past couple of hours. I felt lucky: lucky to have the people that I have in my life, lucky to have the experiences that I've had, that I'm having, and that I continue to have, lucky to have Matt in my life, lucky to be who I am, lucky to be alive. So, to answer the question, "How are you feeling today?" I think this would be the most accurate response:

"I feel like a wolf"

So, my amazing evening starts out with me hanging out with James, a friend of mine, at around 5pm. So we hang out, eat, talk, take pictures, the usual....Anyway, so we pick up Victor, his boyfriend at around 7pm (though it took longer because it was a stressful time) and we head over to Victor's place. Our intention was to watch "To Wong Foo" which is a movie about transvestites, because we have been meaning to for some time. Well, I get inside, and I realize that my trinket from China (the wolf-ring necklace; dragoon3428 also has one, seeing as how I gave it to him ^_^), which bothered me tremendously, because when I got the two necklaces in China, they were the only two that I found at the time, so it's very dear to me and relatively rare. I look for a bit outside, but was unsuccessful. Anyway, I quit looking so that I can actually spend time with them. Well, as I said, our original intention was to watch the movie, but that's not what actually happened. Before we start the movie, the three of us have this conversation about our relationships, and the two of them (being polyamorous) declare their feelings for me and their attraction, which I had suspicions about for a bit. It was a very nice conversation, and it progressed in such a way that no one was hurt and no bonds of friendship were marred, which was a nice resolution. After that, we decided to watch a TV series called "Dead Like Me" which a wonderful, cynical series about a girl who dies and becomes A grim reaper (yes, you read correctly, there's more than one). And good times were had by all.

Well, I had to be somewhere at 10pm to meet another friend so that we could work on our Japanese midterm tomorrow, but by the time I finished the movie at Victor's, it was already 10 after (you have to understand, they live, like, 10 minutes away from campus), so I rush out the door. And so, me being the thinker that I am, as I'm rushing out the door, I'm thinking about the conversation that just took place. And as I reach a pivotal point in my line of thinking, I find my wolf ring, on the ground, next to the car. Ecstatic, I ran back to tell the both of them that I found it, and I rush back out to my car and drive off. I get to the library parking lot, and I'm trying to find a space, and I see the parking meters and I thought, "Well, ok, it's just spare change." When I get closer, I see that they enforce the meters from 7am-10pm, and at this point it's about 10:30, so I'm relieved to see that I won't have to pay anything , but I'm frantic that my friend might've left the library already. So I go in, and at first I don't see him, so I'm like, "crap, he's already left," and then I remember what he said when we first planned it, that he would wait and do facebook or whatever while he waited. So, just to make sure, I check in the information commons, and sure enough, there he is, working on our midterm. So, we spend about two hours working on and memorizing our "interview" that we have to present for the midterm. This takes care of one of the big hurdles of the week, and I have one more weight taken off my shoulders. The one last thing that I need to do to be relatively stress free is the music theory essay due Tuesday, which I'm going to work on in between oboe reeds and Matt picking me up so that we can spend time together on the weekend, which only adds to the happiness that I now have.
Life is great, and I'm going to bed. =3

So, on Tuesday, there's this winter advisory warning. We're supposed to have some kind of ice storm, thing, whatever. Tuesday evening, there's a mandatory concert that I have to attend (because I played in it), though the concert SHOULD've been cancelled due to weather. Well, the concert went well, but because of it, I missed the next available bus to my house (this is problematic because at night it only runs once per hour). So, I figured that it would take me less time to walk home than to wait for the bus. So I walked home in the middle of the "storm" (it's actually not as bad as it sounds; it was quite pleasant), and then I get home, and go to sleep. The next morning (Wednesday), I wake up to my alarm clock and hit it a few times (as usual). Then my dad comes into my room and tells me that IU campus is closed until noon. At first I was confused and answered with "............what?........" The reason this caught me off guard, or why I had to think about what my dad said is because IU doesn't close for ANYTHING. I mean, unless it's like a tornado, IU doesn't even close for thunderstorms, or heavy rain. (basically, IU is under the impression that all of its students are robots), so for IU campus to :close: is something really major, hence, I had to make a conscious effort to process what my dad had said. Well, when it did process, all I could say was "..........SWEET!!!......." and the proceeded to conk out and act more like a bear in hibernation than a wolf unwilling to get out of bed in the morning. I didn't get out of bed until noon, which was sooooooo nice. I thoroughly enjoyed it (and imagined Matt in bed with me, of course ^_^). It was un-F***ING-believable.
=3 <======happy wolfie

Well, it's more I HAD a dream. Last night, I had a very odd dream, which started when I was still asleep, but aware that I was dreaming (kinda). Anyway, some weird stuff happened (it's not important to my story), and I was in a tall building. Then, something triggered a realization that Matt was coming over (this is in the dream; I know that he'll be here next week). So, I look outside in time to see him coming in a janked up car that he owned (in the dream) that he redid himself to look less janky and more swanky (for some reason, it was neon red-orange). Well, I also see my friend Alan (whom I'm rooming with next year) racing him in this massive van-looking thing (I guess technically it'd be a bus, but I don't think that's it and I can't think of the name off the top of my head), and Alan wins. So, in my dream I chuckle to myself and say "Poor Matt and his janked up car," and I go outside to meet him. Thinking back on it, though, it makes more sense that I teleported to meet him because of where I was (in relation to the building) in the parking lot when I went to meet him. Anyway, he gets out of his car, and walks toward me, and I to him. When I get closer, I realize that he's shaved his beard/moustache off completely, which completely threw me off guard. It didn't matter to me though, cause he still looked as beautiful as ever. Anyway, I hug him and, laughing, say "awwww, your scruffly's all gone!" And as I'm hugging him I wake up all happy, and stuff.

It was a very nice way to start my day.

Well, I haven't spoken with Dragoon in the past couple of days. I know he's in Phoenix right now, but I still feel like he'd keep in touch with me, but I haven't heard from him since he left (I also know that he's going to be back in a couple of days). I'm just curious, has he contacted anyone else? Ohwell. Maybe I should just wait until he gets back, but I can't keep my mind off of him.....

Ok, so I feel like a total douche. So, as you know, last Tuesday was Artist Appreciation Day. Well, to show my appreciation for 2 and all of the work that he does, I decided to write to him and express this. The only problem is that I didn't think through entirely what I wanted to say, and I ended up indirectly calling him a dick (which I don't think he is). What I said was "you're considerate when you need to be, and a dick when the situation calls for it." What I meant to compliment him on was the fact that knows.....well, to be honest I don't really know what exactly i was meaning to compliment him on, which is part of the reason why I feel like an ass. I wrote a letter of apology to him, but I haven't heard back from him. I feel like curling up under a rock....

Well, if you listen to the 2 sense show, then you're all aware that today is artist appreciation day, celebrating artists of all media and genre for the work that they contribute to society (or to themselves/friends). Well, I have two such artists that I would like to recognize at this moment. They are:

Allykat

Bayson

Allykat has done the art for my userpics, and I really appreciate the work that she's done. It's absolutely fantastic! As for Bayson: as of yet, he is a friend, but has not done any artwork for me yet, which I would like to change right now. So, BAYSON: if you're reading this, I have a comission for you!! (expect an e-mail from me very soon). I would also like to recognize two other artists, not of the drawing industry:

Selena Yamamoto

William May

These are bassoon friends of mine that continue to be inspiration to me, and that challenge me to be the very best bassoon player. I don't think I'll ever measure up to them, but I aspire to be as good as them, and I love the work that they do in the field of bassooning. So, to all artists, both young and old, living and dead,

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!

Hello everybody!!! I'm sorry I haven't posted here in awhile. The reason is because I was in FRIGGIN CHINA!!! Yes, China was awesome, except for the parts where it sucked (which, unfortunately there was a lot). I'm so glad I got to experience this, though. Anyway, the coolest thing I got from China (one of the coolest things, anyway) is a FRIGGIN TATTOO!!! It's amazing, and it actually has meaning!! It doesn't JUST look cool, it has meaning! That freakin rocks my socks, let me tell you. Anyway, I'm happy to answer questions about China that you may have, so feel free to ask!!

truth or dare? okay, here's the deal, you get to ask me *three
questions*, no matter how crazy, inappropriate, or just random, and i
promise to answer it 100% truthfully (thats the "truth" part) ... now
i dare you to repost this and see what people ask you!

Ok, so here's a perfect example of what kind of procrastination I'm capable of, and maybe some of you can relate: so, in my Mulitvar. Calculus class, we assignments due on Wednesdays, almost every week. So, I had an assignment, due today, that was assigned several weeks ago, and I start it at around midnight last night/this morning. The result: I'm now sitting in work with a giant headache (well, maybe not that big), and really tired. I'd love nothing more right now than to cuddle up with Matt and fall asleep. Alas, he, too, is at work. Well, I'm a patient man, and I can wait (though hardly) for the upcoming weekend. ;)

So, it just hit me today: I have three weeks of school left until the semester is over. I don't know whether to be excited or scared silly, but the end is fast approaching (or, depending on how you look at it, is already here) and I don't know if i'm ready for it. Basically, I'm going this weekend to drop off the application for my traveller's visa for China (in Chicago), I'm going the weekend after that to pick up my passport (after leaving it in Chicago), and then the weekend after that I go to China!!!!! This, in conjunction with the fact that I need to audition into the oboe studio here at IU, as well as do my homework, quizzes, projects and whatnot for my current classes, as well as register for next semester's classes is enough to make my head spin and cry out in despair. Luckily, I have a wonderful boyfriend who will help me get through this simply because I think about him almost constantly (that is, when my attention is devoted to other things and even then my mind wanders back to him). So, we'll just see how the rest of this semester turns out as it draws to a close.

P.S. Why do some of these smiley face icons smile when the mood itself is not that cheerful??

P.P.S. Why do some of the song titles of the songs by Bloodhound gang not match the song itself? The world may never know........

Oooo!!!! Check out this picture that allykat drew of me!!! I was so excited about it, cause this is the first anyone has ever done of me before. Thanks allykat!!!

So, my thanksgiving break was interesting, and it largely consisted of me being really hot about the whole time. It was very nice to visit my grandparents, because I hardly get a chance to do that anymore (once a year is not enough I'll have you know). Right before we left on Sunday, my glasses finally decide to break. So, being at work currently, I'm left with a pair of glasses that have NO earpiece whatsoever (the epitome of ghetto) and I have to balance them on my nose, which is actually easier than it sounds. It just means that i can't lean over for anything........

Well, Matt and I are going to see the Nutcracker this weekend, and I'm sooooooo excited. We're then going to hike it up to Chicago the next day to see about my traveler's visa (I'm going on a trip to China to visit my sister for the holidays). Yea, it's gonna be a blast. =3

Ok, so I have to ask all of you who read this entry a question. I actually feel kinda silly to ask you this, but here goes: I love Matt so much, and I can't stop thinking about him. Going to bed at night, I imagine him laying down next to me, cuddling with me. When I wake up, I pretend to wake up with him, and even today when I got out of the shower and got back to my room, I wanted to see him there waiting for me, so badly. So the question I have is, in your humble opinion, does this make me pathetic? I certainly feel this way, but I just can't get him off my mind. It makes me wish I lived in KY, but alas, I live in Bloomington (actually, as I write this, I'm in my Grandparents' house in Gastonia, NC). Anyway, I look forward to hearing from you!! (even if it means blushing to no end when I read what everyone has to say, for better or worse)

As per request of some of my friends I will tell you more of myself, but in particular more about my Christian beliefs. I should warn you, that it is kinda long, so if you don't have the stomach for long stories, consider yourself warned.

Well, I was raised a Baptist/Southern Baptist Christian. My father was attending seminary at the time I was born, training to be a minister, which he still is. So, the basic beliefs I have are that 1. there is a God who created the entire universe and us, human beings, to be in his image (this belief kinda goes without saying, but I figured it wouldn't hurt just to clarify); 2. man sinned against the laws that God set out to protect his creation, thus creating a rift between us and God; 3. God sent his one and only son, Jesus, who was himself God made flesh, to bridge the gap between us and God; 4. the only thing we as humans need to do to spend eternity with God is to accept that we have sinned, confess that Jesus is the only way we can spend eternity with our creator, and to live the life God set out for us accordingly.

Concerning the issue of homosexuality, I grew up with the typical bias against homosexuals (half true, because I didn't even encounter the problem until middle school, growing up in a Christian private school), that it was wrong for them to enact their desires the way that they did, and that they were going to hell because of it. Well, things started to change for me in middle school. Quite possibly the worst time in my life (for reasons I will not explain here; maybe another time), it was a time of growing and.....I guess experimenting would be the correct word. In eighth grade, I had my first encounter with sex education. At my school, it was kind of a joke, but it opened me up to a whole new possibility: masturbation. It started off with something small and grew to something much more, a kind of drug, almost (I digress, pardon). Anyway, I started to venture into porn some, and the very first bit of porn I saw was actually gay porn (69 if I recall). The issue with me and porn is a whole other story, so I'll get into that another time. Well, being as young as I was, it had a very profound impact on me in the sense that, were it not for that breif encounter, I don't think I'd be the person that I am today. It's important to note that, while I did briefly glimpse that little bit (and I can tell you it was not the only bit I viewed), I did not consider myself to be homosexual in any sense, simply because of this bias I had against homosexuals. Well, time goes on, and with much masturbation and porn viewing (still retaining my Christian beliefs and this bias), I made it to my senior year in high school. (again, I will digress slightly) It's also important to note that while I believed homosexuals to be destined for places not pleasant, I also believed that the mistreatment of anyone (and I do mean anyone) was even worse. At my school, being as diverse as it was/is, we had an annual Day of Silence, a silent protest against members of the GLBT community. I had always wanted to participate, but there was something holding me back. It may have been that I just wasn't keeping up enough with it (knowing when it was), or whatever, but I finally got my chance to participate my senior year in high school. So, me and a couple of my friends (in health class, no less), started our days by being silent. I was so excited because I could finally take a stand for what I believed and not have to pass this opprotunity by. It was in third period (out of four) when I heard the story of the day: two girls came to school wearing shirts that read "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." I don't think I've ever been as upset in my life as when I heard what they did. It upset me so much to hear that these two girls would be as audacious as taking advantage of the day, when people were being silent to let their views be heard, to put forth their own views completely to the contrary. It was both insulting to me and infuriating for them to use God as an excuse to put forth the same bias that I had. Thus, the wheels in my head began to turn to take in this abomination, and I came to the following conclusion, one which I retain to this day: it does not matter who you are, where you come from, what color your skin is, or what you do in life; there is NOTHING that you can do to put you outside of the realm of God's love and grace. Being a rapist, a serial murderer, or anything else of that nature is not enough to condemn you to hell, so why should being homosexual? It is the act of accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior and living out his plan for your life that gets you right with God (his grace being the thing that grants eternal life), not being a certain person.

It was in light of this revelation that I began to realize things about myself. Thinking back to earlier in my life, I realized that I did indeed have a sexual attraction to guys, and I modified my orientation to being bisexual. So, with this new label I attatched to myself, it was a matter of coming out to the right people at the right time. So I had to ask myself, who should I come out to? The obvious answer at the time was a friend of mine, to whom I was deeply attracted to. So, on a weekend when my parents were out, I had some friends come over for a wee bit of drinking, and she was among them. Finally, I got her alone to tell her of my decision, which she accepted. I felt so relieved after that (mind you, this was the fall after I came out to myself). I was slightly disappointed because she was seeing someone else at the time, bit I digress. The next person I came out to was my dad. He is someone I respect and look up to like nobody else, and it came about because of something he found. It was tough to come out to him, and there were many tears involved, but I got that off my chest, and he still loves me, and all was well again in the land of Allen.

Finally, it was the beginning of this school year that things REALLY started to change. Around the same time I came out to myself (it was before, I believe) I came to the conclusion that I was a werewolf. I can't really describe why I felt this way, but I know that it involved a particularly deep fascination for the moon (in fact, I think it controlled my libido). Anyway, so the summer before this school year, I dated another werewolf. Things went really well, but they moved too fast, and we became so attached to each other, only to be ripped apart at the end when she moved away to Japan to teach English for about 3 years. Through the course of the school year, we had such rough times, and it got to the point almost where I was hurt every time I talked to her, and came to the evntual conclusion that things wouldn't work out between us (sorry, I'm kinda going out of chronological order). Well, it was in the middle of October when I discovered my first bit of anthro art, and I was hooked from day one (I got involved through Brokken T-Wolf's webpage, where i found Grrrrwolf's art page). I thought that so much of the art was so beautiful, I did some more searching, and after investigating deeper, I found the furry fandom. So I started doing more searching, and finally came across yiffstar.com . As I started exploring more and more of this site, I realized that I was not so much a werewolf as i was a furry with a wolf fursona. After looking into yiffstar some more, I found pounced.org (I promise you, all of this ranting has a destination). And it was there I met the dragon from KY, Matt McConnell (heeee, I love him so much). We had been talking online for about a week when I went to the weekly bible study group that would change my life forever.

In talkings with my ex (in Japan), we agreed to separate so that I could see what guys were like, so that when she came back and we got back together I would have no regrets (not a very wise/healthy attitude towards relationships now that I think about it). So, at the the bible study, run by my dad, we studied the story of the Good Samaritan. It is perhaps one of the most famous parables Jesus told. It's the story where the guy is travling on the road, gets beaten up by robbers, ppriests come by and don' help him, then this Samaritan comes by and helps him more than the other two ever could. And the thing important to know about my dad's style of bible study is that you get a very universal teaching that is enhanced depending on how God leads/directs you. The universal message that I got from that story was not who is my neighbor, or any message about racial tension between the Jews of the time and the Samaritans. The message that I got from that was "your religion isn't good enough." And it was how God directed my thinking that really changed my life: it was at precisely the same point that I heard what the universal message was that God told me "isn't that also true about homosexuals," which was the go ahead signal for me to date guys. I know it was from God because my mind was far from the topic of homosexuality at the time.

So the next step was to meet people to see how I felt when I met them, and Matt and I arranged to meet (there were others at the time). I was so excited to meet him, and I was NOT disappointed in the least when I did (I can give you more details of our first encounter later). Well, things have turned out that Matt and I are together, and looking back on all of this, I can only explain it within the context of God was leading me to him. God has shown me a person that can make me happy as no one else has been able to do before. I hope it remains this way.